Once you decide to ask for help, you will have to tell your story to many people. You'll have to talk to the police, the state's attorney, the legal advocate, the judge, child protective services, and the counselors at the shelter. Each one will focus on a different aspect of your case, and each one will have a different power over your life.
You need their help. You only have a short time to make them understand a lifetime of abuse. You have to decide when and how to tell them your story. And you have to relate the facts in a way that makes people listen to you. As difficult as it is, it is extremely important that you do your best to maintain your composure. Remain as calm as you can so that people don't dismiss you as a "hysterical woman."
Women often understate the severity of violence and abuse, even when talking to friends, family or counselors. Understatements are even more likely when speaking to an intimidating authority figure such as a police chief, investigator, or prosecutor.
It is extremely important that you describe each incident accurately, in detail, and in your own words. It is to your benefit to be able to tell your story clearly and graphically.
Consider the following contrasting descriptions of the same event:
No matter how well you tell your story, people will still have their own opinions about who you are, what you did or didn't do. "Why don't you just leave? Why don't you just get some help? What's wrong with you? Why won't you listen to me?" It hurts. It makes you angry. They act like they know what's best for you. They treat you like a child. You feel frustrated and alone.
It doesn't matter whether they are family, friends or professionals. A lot of people think they know what a "battered woman" looks and acts like. They will believe you only if you match their stereotype. You must be visibly injured, scared and passive. They feel compelled to take control and make decisions for you because they don't think you are capable of thinking clearly or acting in your own best interest.
They may throw around terms like "battered woman's syndrome," Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and "learned helplessness." They expect you to listen and act on their advice, to trust in their power to protect you, and to believe that they know what's best for you. Their attempt to take control, no matter how well intentioned, may make you angry and defensive.
If you insist on making your own decisions based on your own experience, they may question your credibility. If you raise your voice, express your anger, or assert your will, you are not living up to their image of a victim. They may tell you to calm down or even refuse to listen to you until you act "appropriately." They may label you as a bitch who is just a troublemaker.
People may even label you as the abuser if you fought back in self-defense or if you threatened your abuser. Your abuser already knows how to present his version of the story. He knows how to turn the facts around so that he gets sympathy.
The last thing you want is to have to educate others about police-perpetrated domestic violence. You want to be supported, not to support others. They may include your friends and family, co-workers, supervisors, advocates and attorneys. You may have to educate them about the unique complexities and dynamics of domestic violence when a police officer is also a batterer. If there are divorce and custody issues involved, you may even need to educate child psychologists and custody evaluators, the children’s attorney, and child protective services.
There are resources and information available for you and your family, your advocate and your attorney. We have several books available for purchase. And please, don't hesitate to call or write us. We're here to help.
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