Abuse of Power

THE clearinghouse on police-perpetrated domestic violence

...when your abuser is an officer of the law

Getting Help

Once you decide to ask for help, you will have to tell your story to many people. You'll have to talk to the police, the state's attorney, the legal advocate, the judge, child protective services, and the counselors at the shelter. Each one will focus on a different aspect of your case, and each one will have a different power over your life.

You need their help. You only have a short time to make them understand a lifetime of abuse. You have to decide when and how to tell them your story. And you have to relate the facts in a way that makes people listen to you. As difficult as it is, it is extremely important that you do your best to maintain your composure. Remain as calm as you can so that people don't dismiss you as a "hysterical woman."

How You Tell Your Story

Women often understate the severity of violence and abuse, even when talking to friends, family or counselors. Understatements are even more likely when speaking to an intimidating authority figure, such as a police chief, investigator, or prosecutor, but it is extremely important that you describe the incident accurately, in detail, and in your own words. It is to your benefit to be able to tell your story clearly and graphically.

Consider the following contrasting descriptions of the same event:

  • "He yelled at me for a while." versus "He stood over me and yelled at me for five hours, but wouldn't let me answer him. He wouldn't let me leave the room to go to the bathroom, or even to take care of the baby. Every time I tried to leave, he screamed, ‘You leave when I tell you to leave."
  • "He scared me by the way he was driving." versus "He was driving 70 miles an hour on city streets, weaving in and out of traffic, threatening to kill us both. He had the light on the car roof so the cops wouldn't stop him. He always talks about how they won't stop him, and that it's no problem if they do."
  • "He makes me account for all my time, who I'm with or who I'm talking to on the phone." versus "He keeps watch over me day and night. He checks the odometer on my car. He follows me, has other cops follow me or drive by the house. He tape records my phone conversations."
  • "He tells me he can find out anything about anyone." versus "He runs my friends' plates and finds out all kinds of stuff about them. He called a man I was seeing and warned him to stay away from me or he'd get hurt."
  • "He threatened to kill me." versus "He held his gun to my head and talked about how he would splatter my brains all over the room."

Confronting Stereotypes

You probably have listened to other people's expectations and misconceptions about your abuse. "Why don't you just leave? Why don't you just get some help? What's wrong with you? Why won't you listen to me?" It hurts. It makes you angry. They act like they know what's best for you. They treat you like a child. You feel frustrated and alone.

It doesn't matter whether they are family, friends or professionals. A lot of people think they know what a "battered woman" looks and acts like. They will believe you only if you match their stereotype. You must be visibly injured, scared and passive. They feel compelled to take control and make decisions for you because they don't think you are capable of thinking clearly or acting in your own best interest.

They may throw around terms like "battered woman's syndrome," Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and "learned helplessness." They expect you to listen and act on their advice, to trust in their power to protect you, and to believe that they know what's best for you. Their attempt to take control, no matter how well intentioned, may make you angry and defensive.

If you insist on making your own decisions based on your own experience, they may question your credibility. If you raise your voice, express your anger, or assert your will, you are not living up to their image of a victim. They may tell you to calm down or even refuse to listen to you until you act "appropriately." They may label you as a bitch who is just a troublemaker.

People may even label you as the abuser if you fought back in self-defense or if you threatened your abuser. And if you were drinking just before or after the beating, they are likely to write you off.

Twisting the Truth

And then there's the "other victim" — your abuser. He already knows how to present his version of the story. He knows how to turn the facts around so that he gets sympathy.

He blames you for his violence and justifies his use of it. He claims that everything has to be your way; that you're the abuser; that you're the one who wants to control him. His power and control over you enables him to turn everything around.

Media Exposure

You might think that by going to the media you'll safer because the public will know about your abuse and the department's response to you. Reporters might tempt you by saying they can help you by telling your story.

Media attention can be very perilous ground. You are not necessarily safer if you are in the public eye. Once you open your life to media attention, there is no going back. What gets into the story may be only the most sensational or bizarre aspects of your experience.

The batterer may feel forced to silence you through threats, intimidation, or violence. He may also work harder to discredit you and turn any initial public sympathy against you. Media attention can also be humiliating, stigmatizing, and frightening for children.

Resources

There are resources and information available for you and your family, your advocate and your attorney. We have several books available for purchase. And please, don't hesitate to call or write us. We're here to help.