My domestic violence support group was cancelled this morning. It really leaves a hole in my week, as I feel so dependent on the group for support and understanding. The group is held at the police department. We have a separate room with no signs on the door indicating who we are, it is just word of mouth. I have concerns about speaking at group. I'm not the trusting person I once was. I was outgoing and spontaneous too; someday maybe I will be again.
What concerns me is the aftermath of domestic violence and the lack of support after we leave. "Just get on with your life," people say. But my life has changed. My friends don't call; neighbors avoid me; I overhear my co-workers gossip. I feel like I have a contagious disease. I now know why women sometimes return. And why they often consider suicide. I shouldn't complain, I have escaped with my life, so far anyway, but not without a heavy price.
I don't go out anymore — the one time I did I saw him. Last Saturday I stopped at a garage sale. I was just browsing and suddenly there he was. I hurriedly left, drove through other neighborhoods just to get away. By the time I arrived home I was in tears, scared to death and had the shakes so bad I could hardly get out of my car.
It's legal week for me again — lawyers and more lawyers. I see my attorney on Thursday to see if we can speed up the divorce. My husband's hearing is also coming up, I'm nervous because he is the best liar in court, and I have to face him. When will this ever end? If I put everything on hold it will be too stressful. I have to put an end to all of this as soon as possible.
Tomorrow I will be 65 and I can't wait for my birthday to be over. His hearing is set for tomorrow, and I am planning to be there. My advocate told me that his attorney said, "It will be impossible for him to accept a plea that would stay on his permanent record." So we will probably go to trial. He continues to play the victim; he acts like he's being persecuted for some unknown reason, I'm dismissed. I'm not a part of the legal process; it's the good guys against "her." He has told me many times I am the only blemish on his sterling reputation as an officer. I'm not even a person, just a blemish and that's the reason he must get rid of me.
The phone calls are unceasing. They started when I filed the order of protection. I don't answer the phone anymore. He calls ten times a day; nothing on my caller ID but "Unknown Caller." I know he is stalking me and that my lines are tapped. I can't prove any of it though. I've put an alarm system on my house, with all the trappings, buttons for the police (funny), fire and panic button and a remote to carry with me. It all felt pretty good for about four days until tonight when I came home to find my side door unlocked, and things moved around. I checked — the alarm was still set. The minute I got inside, the phone rang — another one of those silent phone calls. I'm back on alert once again.
I fell asleep on the couch the other night, and about 3 A.M. a sound woke me. It was the tape recorder rewinding. I've looked everywhere and haven't found it yet. I just get one thing solved and something else takes its place.
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