The demons came for me again, but something stops them from terrorizing me like they did before. Just the other night I had another dream of inevitable death.
But the kind demon touched me and woke me up before the process of death was to start. I actually felt a pinch on my toe, and it woke me, seconds before he was going to kill me and I was saved again.
When I was with my husband, I would fall asleep beside him, feeling the safety of his warm body. But I also felt the fear of knowing if I ever left him I would probably die. Many nights as I drifted off to sleep I would start to fall into a restless, disoriented passage into darkness, blacker than anything you can imagine. At the same time, I would experience an elusive dream that plagues me nightmare after nightmare. I see a group of people gathered together, sadness fills the air like a gray cloud. It reminds me of what the Jews must have felt like walking into the gas chambers. An impending doom.
We all try to pretend that death is not near but it is just a whisper away. I see him. I see his badge and his gun. I am in his house again and again. I purposely sneak there to see him, I wonder about him. I look into his eyes and he into mine. He represents death to me.
I often think someday I will open my front door and the gun will be pointed at my face and he will pull the trigger. And I pray, Oh God please don't let me experience that kind of fear again. Please keep him away from me.
But you can't, can you God? You don't interfere with the process of life or death. You just wait with open arms that envelope your son or daughter, passing through the tunnel into your light.
Is this what it feels like to die at the hands of someone you once loved and gave your heart to? If so, then why? Why God, why do you allow this kind of pain and terror?
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