Abuse of Power

THE clearinghouse on police-perpetrated domestic violence

...our need to be heard is overcoming our fear

My Daughter's Heart

The sad part about all of this is that there is a child involved. Fortunately, mine is a teenager now. She was just 10 years old when we "ran away" from home, as we call it. Actually, my husband told me not to come home because if I did, he would beat me to a pulp.

That was enough for me. I had really had enough before that but was too afraid to do anything about it. I was more afraid to leave than to stay. All of the threats about what would happen if I left and filed for divorce.

My daughter witnessed most everything that went on at home. Some of it was even done and said to her. She used to leave me messages at work asking me to please be strong against Daddy and that she wanted us to divorce him. I did not have enough information about what life would be like once we separated and divorced and I was afraid for both of us. My daughter and I would talk about how she would still have to see him and that he was still her Dad and that all of this had nothing to do with her. Little did we know.

Several years later, the divorce is still not final. My spouse quit his job after 20 years as firefighter, just so that he would not have to pay me any support money. I'm lucky that I have my own job and a place to live. My spouse has been through 3 attorneys and he is working the last nerve of his current one.

He can't decide if he wants visitation or not. We have gone for months without visitation because he did not want a schedule. He did not want someone telling him when he could or could not see his child. A year ago, he stood in court and told the judge that he did not want anything to do with his child and that he wanted his parental rights dissolved. We were told to go forward and live our lives without visitation. Then he comes back months later and wants his visitation back.

Every visit is a struggle for my daughter. She has not had any overnight or weekend visitation since this started. I thank the Lord for that. She gets the brunt of his anger towards me. He does not physically harm her but the emotional is sometimes worse. He spends his visitation talking about how we will be a family again if she helps him, how mommy ruined the family by doing this, how she will be shortchanged in life because of what mommy did. He knows nothing about her — her likes, her school, her interests. It's all about him.

We had to get her an attorney 2 years ago so that she would have a voice in the court system. So far, so good, although you wish that they could base decisions on common sense and emotion instead of the law. You want the GAL to be on your side but yet you understand that they have a job to do and rules to follow. You watch as your child has to put her heart on the table to a stranger and call the GAL when things go bad with her dad. You want the GAL to call her and say that she does not have to see her dad anymore, but the best the GAL can do is tell her that emotions and feelings are not good enough reasons for a judge. Sometimes the GAL will tell her that if it was up to him, her reasons are good enough. Then your faith is restored once again in the GAL.

I watch her cringe and swear when he pulls up at the house to pick her up. I watch her as she makes faces while she is on the phone with him. I see the look of fear and tension on her face as she leaves, looking to me for help. I am powerless again against him. He knows that he can get to me through her. He knows that I hurt every time she is with him. He knows that I am the one to pick up the pieces when she comes home in tears. I am the one that has to answer her when she asks me if she will grow up to be like him.

I thank the Lord every day that my child is a teenager and not 4 years old. We only have a few more years of this until she will be free to choose whether to see him or not. I will say a prayer for all of the children out there that are still young children. Good luck to all of you.