You may want to talk to someone but you don't feel comfortable going to counseling. There may be an employee assistance program, but like many other police victims you don't trust their confidentiality.
At the same time, you may hesitate to go outside of the department because a civilian counselor probably doesn't have a clue what the police or fire culture is like.
You may dread reporting the abuse and do everything you can to avoid it. But it may get to the point where you have to protect yourself and your career.
You will probably have to explain your situation to others. This may include your friends and family, co-workers, supervisors, internal affairs investigators, advocates, attorneys, psychological evaluators, prosecutors and judges. If there are divorce and custody issues involved, child psychologists and custody evaluators, the children’s attorney, and child protective services will become involved.
Investigators and other professionals may not be familiar with the dynamics of domestic violence, especially the many facets of police-perpetrated domestic violence.
The last thing you want is to have to educate others about officer-involved domestic abuse. You want to be supported, not be the trainer. But you may have to educate them about the unique complexities and dynamics of domestic violence when both of you are police officers.
There are resources and information available for you and your family, your advocate and your attorney. We have several books available for purchase.
If the abuser senses that you are going to tell someone about the abuse, he is likely to take preemptive action. Fellow officers may be sympathetic to him. Many judges believe that if a male officer claims to be a victim of abuse it must be true; they feel it would be too humiliating and embarrassing for a man to claim to be a victim unless he had no other choice.
You know that your abuser has the power to threaten or destroy your career. He could do this by making false reports against you. He could allege that you threatened him with your weapon during an argument. He could maneuver you into drawing your weapon in self-defense.
Your abuser has access to your co-workers and may convince them that he is the "real" victim. He will most likely try to manipulate them to support him and turn against you. His buddies may harass and intimidate you.
If you have been in a secret same-sex relationship, your abuser has probably threatened to out you to the department. Coming out on your own to your supervisors and co-workers will take away one of her most powerful weapons but may have other repercussions. If you are married or have children, disclosing your sexual orientation may affect a divorce or custody action.
If you are a lesbian, your abuser may have already contacted resources in the women's community in an effort to turn them against you. She may have called your local domestic violence agency and claimed that she is the victim to prevent you from receiving victim services.
Your co-workers will react in many different ways to learning that you are a victim of abuse. If your abuser is a civilian, fellow officers are apt to support you and do everything they can to protect you. But if your abuser is a firefighter or an officer, it's a different story.
It makes a huge difference if your abuser is a civilian or a police officer.
They may underestimate the lethality of your situation because you and your partner have been trained to maintain control in all situations. Officers are expected to be able to defuse potentially violent situations without resorting to the use of force.
If you're both female, people may believe that you and your abuser are equals. When your "problems at home" get so "out of control" that they warrant police or medical intervention, responding officers and others may consider you to be mutual combatants.
Some of your co-workers will resent your bringing your personal problems to the job. Many of them will not take sides because they work with both of you. Some will believe the abuser's story over yours. Others will be angry with you for betraying one of your own by reporting the abuse.
Members of the women's community may be angry with you for reporting your abuse because they believe you failed to uphold the image of a strong independent woman. The LGBT community may feel betrayed because you exposed the myth that same-sex relationships are always egalitarian and respectful.
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