The overlap between domestic violence and incest is not surprising to people who work with batterers and incest perpetrators, because of the similarities between the profiles and tactics used by members of the two groups.
Many studies have established the high overlap between battering and incest. A batterer is about four to six times more likely than a non-batterer to sexually abuse his children. And batterers are seven times more likely to physically abuse their children. About half of incest perpetrators also batter the children's mother.
The American Psychological Association recommends that any history of sexual assaults against the mother be treated as a warning sign of possible sexual or physical abuse of the children. Substance abuse is also positively correlated with sexual abuse.
There are many public misconceptions about batterers and child molesters. They are viewed as mentally ill individuals with particularly disturbing childhoods. The public is always shocked when a man with a highly positive public image is exposed as a batterer or child molester.
The nature of the abuse itself is also misunderstood. The physical and/or sexual violence is just one aspect of their abusive behavior. They also use psychological abuse and manipulation.
Attempts to teach a batterer to stop hitting, or to teach proper boundaries to a child sexual abuser, miss the roots of both problems in a way that can leave victims vulnerable to continued psychological abuse.
Both batterers and incest perpetrators exercise a high degree of control over their victims and other family members through verbal abuse and other strategies. They believe in their right to use increasingly coercive tactics if they are not getting the obedience that they demand. They both tend to alternate between periods of loving kindness and periods of harsh emotional abusiveness towards their victims. Incest perpetrators are often harsh and rigid disciplinarians.
Batterers and child molesters tend to be self-centered in the home and believe that it is the responsibility of family members to make sure that their needs are met at all times. They may become irate when other family members insist on not always being the ones to make the sacrifices. They expect deference to their desires and their opinions.
If caught, they may appear remorseful, but justify their actions that they have the right to do what they did. Just as batterers may be angry at an arrest saying, "What right do they have to tell me what I can do with my own wife?", the incest perpetrator may say, "The way I choose to run my relationship with my own child is nobody else's business."
When they do admit to their actions, they minimize them greatly and play down their negative consequences, insisting that no damage has actually been done. They easily lie to cover any actions that are discovered.
Both types of abusers claim that they simply lose control when they act abusively. The batterer may claim to have a bad temper, just as the child abuser claims that he lost control of his sex drive, perhaps blaming it on his wife by saying that she has not been giving him sex.
Batterers and incest perpetrators assert that the victim provoked their actions, and therefore they themselves are not responsible. The sexual abuser will say that a young child "seduced him" and "really wanted it," just as the batterer states that his partner "set him off" and "knew that she was going to make me violent."
Batterers and incest perpetrators work to build trust and closeness during the early part of a relationship. Batterers are known for being charming, kind, and attentive during the first months or even years that a couple is together. Incest perpetrators may lay the groundwork for years, working to build a special relationship with the intended victim, gradually breaking down her or his boundaries. The victim is often his favorite, to whom he gives particular kindness and attention, but often also particular harshness and control.
Batterers are known for often being unusually appealing superficially, and sexual abusers are similarly often people who are identified as especially good with children. In both cases, the victim is often quite attached to the abuser, because of the manipulation and the many positive-seeming periods in the abuser's behavior.
Both types of abusers are typically well thought of in their communities. They may be professionally successful or socially popular, and may be involved in charitable or civic activities that make them appear outstandingly kind and responsible.
Both batterers and child molesters manipulate individuals and systems with whom they come in contact to create negative impressions of their victims. Victims of both kinds of abuse face disbelief because "he's just not the type."
Batterers and incest perpetrators are skilled at manipulation and can easily keep their victims frightened, confused, and self-blaming. Victims tend to be manipulated into feeling responsible to take care of the abuser's feelings and to believe that his suffering is greater than their own.
Both commonly require their victims not to tell other people about what has occurred, and threaten dire consequences should the secrecy be broken.
They use many behaviors that turn mothers and children against each other and that sow other types of divisions among family members. Both types of abusers are frequently effective at getting the family to focus on the victim, or on some other family member, as the target of all of their negative attention, thereby distracting the focus from the abuse.
Abusers characterize their victims as dishonest, as hysterical, and as vindictive when disclosures do get made. The incest perpetrator says, "She was angry at me because I wouldn't by her a Nintendo, and she told me she's get me back for it." The batterer says, "She is getting me back because I won't always give her every dime of my money." Both groups make the victim sound like a troubled, unstable individual.
Most batterers and child sexual offenders show normal results on psychological testing. Mental health evaluations provide very little information about likelihood to reoffend. Both behaviors have their roots primarily in attitudes and belief systems, reinforced by peers and by cultural messages, and cannot be defined as psychological or sexual illness.
Both batterers and incest perpetrators are highly resistant to change and are difficult clients in counseling programs that demand change. They may be quite comfortable in supportive therapeutic relationships that do not require change, however, and receive glowing reports in these cases about their progress.
Because of the high statistical overlap between domestic violence and incest, and the similarity of the profiles and tactics of the perpetrators, service providers and court officials should assess carefully for the possibility that children of batterers are being sexually abused.
This material is a summary of the article "The Connection Between Batterers and Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrators" by Lundy Bancroft. We encourage you to read the entire article.
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Batterers, custody & visitation
A great resource:
Mothers of Lost Children